Monday, January 9, 2017

To My Not at all Little Boys

Hey guys,

I wanted to write you a letter today. Something to explain a little bit about the first several years of your life. There's a lot that goes on you might not be aware of. Or maybe you are, because I'm not so good at hiding emotions from anyone. Also, Dad and I never want to lie to you. So here's a little bit of insight for you.

Mommy has depression. She has for a long time. It makes me feel angry and irritated. I'm sorry to the depths of the ocean for how that played out for you. You boys are my joy. You and I grew up together. I made all my mistakes on you and that's just what happens with the first couple of kids. I hope you know I have never not loved you. My depression is dark and scary and isolating. But I made sure you had food. That you could watch shows when I couldn't interact. I made sure we had friends around to help love you when I didn't always know how best to love you. Please know I have and will always have your back. I hope you have seen that mental illness is a disease as deadly as cancer. That it can take medication and counseling to be where our brain chemicals need to be. There is no shame in admitting we need help. I know there are still repercussions from our early days together. But please know that I love you and will do all I can to right my wrongs. I will apologize to my last breath. Thank you for showing me what unconditional love is, boys.

Now that you are older and can understand all this better, I hope it helps us have an open and honest relationship. I'm glad you still tell Dad and I things. I hope that doesn't stop. But I know it might. That's how time goes on. As you continue to grow and mature, Dad and I are so proud of you. Moving as much as we have is hard. And you have handled it in a beautiful way. Keep that heart of resilience. Keep a heart that is open to adventure and new people. Don't shut down. But if you need a place to rest your head and recover from the battle that life can be, you will always have our home to come back to.


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