Wednesday, October 17, 2018

I Surrender All?

"As they were walking along, someone said to Jesus, "I will follow you wherever you go." But Jesus replied, "Foxes have dens to live in, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place even to lay his head." He said to another person, "Come, follow me." The man agreed, nit he said, "Lord, first let me return home and bury my father." But Jesus told him, "Let the spiritually dead bury their own dead! Your duty is to go and preach about the Kingdom of God." Another said "Yes Lord, I will follow you, but first let me say good-bye to my family." But Jesus told him, "Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God." -Luke 9: 57-62

A long time ago, in a church far away I learned a song entitled "I Surrender All". It's a beautiful and gorgeous tune that I fully meant as I belted it out at the top of my pre-teen lungs. As I got older, and realized what the words I was singing meant, I started to sing with less gusto. You see, I wasn't sure that I could surrender all to Jesus. What exactly would that mean?

Would I have to give up my dreams of security and ease living in the relative safety net of the Mid-West? Did that mean I was going to have to stop eating dessert whenever I wanted? Did surrendering all mean I couldn't go to the college I had applied to? That I should sacrifice a home and children and family for the promises of God? I just wasn't sure about surrendering ALL to Jesus. 

Fast-forward a few more years. I'm married, I have kids. I've left working full time, I'm fully enmeshed in the life of a stay at home that I had always imagined. It's nice. It's comfortable. It's safe. Still going to church. Giving over to God some of my time, some of my money. Laying down a few of the lesser conveniences so I can honestly say I am sacrificing for Jesus. But really? I didn't want to surrender all. 

Moving the time line along even further, I'm sitting in the closet of my master en suite. Tears pouring down my face because I just couldn't do it any more. I couldn't keep the image up. I couldn't pretend that everything was fine. I was no longer satisfied of a half-way lived life. 

So I gave up.                  I waved my white flag.         I surrendered.

Then I heard this:     

That began a stirring in my soul. A relearning about what it meant to say that I am a Christian. It meant being honest about my faith, my struggles in parenting and in marriage. It meant laying down some of the expectations I had of my life. I had come to my breaking point and found my Healer waiting there with bandages and balm to bind up my broken places and soothe my wounds. 

As I've traveled a little further down my path, I've learned more and more about what it means to surrender. For me, it's about surrendering these things:

Perfection
A need to be right
Control
A need to see justice acted out
Finances
Home
Relationships
Expectations

As I read the passage at the top of my post, these were some thoughts I wrote down in my journal:
What am I holding onto that Jesus wants me to let go of? Is it my comforts? A project? What is my one last thing to do before I'm ready to follow Jesus completely? 


That's what I ask you. What are you holding onto that needs to be let go? 

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